A few years after her father died, Jane asked her mother if she would consider dating. "She said �I'm not really interested in that,'" Jane recalls. And while Jane finds herself relieved in some ways�� she doesn't have to worry about some other man trying to replace her father or interfering with a great mother-daughter relationship�� sometimes, as an only child, she wishes there was someone else her mother could rely on.
Many once-married women prefer to stay single. Widows like Jane's mom can take many years to grieve their loss, and when the pain subsides, they sometimes find they've grown accustomed to a life surrounded by friends, adult children and grandchildren and feel little need for a partner. Some divorced women don't want to enter into another potentially unhappy relationship.
If your mom says a man won't fix her life, try to help her discover what will ensure she's not lonely. If she's open to it, help her seek out new activities she could do with you or with friends.
When Mom Isn't Interested
A Word of Caution
Getting your widowed or divorced mom to date again and steering her into the arms of Mr. Right could turn into mission impossible, warns Dr. Lois Nightingale, a clinical psychologist who runs the Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, California. "I really believe adult children are not the best person to give a parent advice. Offering romantic tips can launch a daughter into the parent-knows-best role, and mom might resent that."
Furthermore, Dr. Nightingale says sometimes daughters confuse their mom's wants and needs with their own. If you're having a rough time with your job or your own love life, make sure you're not projecting your problems onto your mom.
You can prevent turning your worries about mom into a power-struggle by simply asking her wants she wants. If you really listen to her answer, you may find respectful ways to help her improve her love life, or her life in general.
Getting Mom Dating Again
Okay, you've pretty much run the gamut on Mother's Day gifts. You've given her flowers, spa days, nice dinners. This year, what you really want to get her is a man. Correction, make that the perfect man. Dad's been gone for long enough, she seems lonely and the key to her happiness�� and your peace of mind�� would be a great partner at her side for the years to come.
Pleasure Points
There are many small things couples can do on an ordinary day that take mere seconds of time. Dr. Fraenkel calls these "60-second pleasure points" � fun and even sensual things that last a minute or less. Some of these "pleasure points" are things partners can do when they're together. Others should be possible to do when they're apart.
Six items scattered across a day � at least one in the morning, some when physically apart, and at least one in the evening � create a kind of "connect-the-dots" intimacy. Couples who do this exercise experience what Dr. Fraenkel calls, "an arc of pleasure and connection" that makes them feel like they've been connected for the entire day. This new level of connection can truly be a love saver when it stimulates the couple's desire to spend larger amounts of time together and their willingness to devote more time to working out problems.
Partners can brainstorm together and come up with fun "pleasure points" that appeal to them personally. Here are some suggestions to start you thinking:
Things to do together:
* Read a poem to your partner
* Share a story
* Scrawl "I love you" with shaving cream or lipstick on the bathroom mirror before your husband uses it
* Dance with each other for 60 seconds
* Feed each other a handful of grapes, or sections of an orange, or a banana
* Have a 60-second pillow fight
* Look at a sunset together
* Arm wrestle
* Play "footsies"
Things to do apart:
* Call your lover and whisper "I love you and miss you"
* Send a caring email
* Send a joke by fax
* Write "mmmmmmm thinking of you" on a piece of paper and slip it into your partner's wallet or pocket
* Create a list of all the fun things you'd like to do with your partner and put it in his briefcase or lunch bag
* Write a short love letter and mail it to his office
The Myth of Spontaneity
Believe it or not, it is vitally necessary to schedule fun. Some couples balk at the idea because they believe in the myth of spontaneity: The notion that, despite a full schedule, they will somehow find the time for each other. Hand in hand with that is the belief � equally false � that what's needed is a large block of time to build, restore, and sustain a sense of daily intimacy. This false notion is particularly subversive because it leads couples to postpone fun experiences to some imagined future time. The only trouble is, that idyllic time somehow never arrives.
Thinking that only large chunks of time will help them, couples all but give up trying to spend time together. So they wind up feeling increasingly disconnected and overtaken by dissatisfaction. According to Fraenkel, the only way couples will find time for each other is if they deliberately make the time. The liberating news is, you don't have to wait for a big moment. You can restart the spark in a few little moments. In fact, little moments of connection may be more important than big ones. They create a sunny emotional climate that helps partners overlook the petty irritations that normally build up in any close relationship.
Love Savers
You're eager for some time alone with your spouse or sweetheart � enough time to relax, enjoy each other's company, get playful. Romance, after all, takes a little time.
But time is exactly what's missing in the lives of most couples these days. Either you're on separate schedules or both your schedules are so jam-packed there's no time to just "do nothing" together. One of you comes home from work and wants to talk, the other wants nothing more than to nap. Either way, you're out of synch and the first thing to suffer is your love life. You may even be cranky with each other. According to Dr. Peter Fraenkel, associate professor of psychology at City University of New York, romance often falls victim to this type of time starvation.
"Couples need more creative ways to keep love alive," says Fraenkel. Not only are people spending more time at work; even when they're not physically at work, their heads are in the office. What they need most of all are new tools for thinking about each other.
Tips on Bridging the Cultural Divide
# Get in touch with his family before the first big meeting, especially if it's planned for a big holiday. Holidays are emotional times for many families, and therefore not the best time to spring big issues. Getting together for a lunch or dinner date, or for a play or other cultural event can provide a chance to get to know one another a bit under more relaxed conditions.
# Recognize the importance of an ally. As in the case of Linda and Alan, one parent who is accepting of your relationship can ease the fears of the others. Parents may be more accepting if the "seal of approval" comes from one of their own peer group, or because they don't want to be seen as the "unenlightened ones" in the equation.
# As Melissa Mertz discovered, it's important to discuss why rituals and cultures are so important to us. Tell your partner that Easter dinner makes you feel like an important part of your family, since it's something you've always shared, rather than simply insisting on attending.
# Focus on building your own rituals and experiences together. These are the ones you'll treasure in the years to come. Bringing other family members into these events may even lead them to have more respect for your relationship.