Women is...: Being True to the Most Important Partnership in A Our Life – Ourselves

Being True to the Most Important Partnership in A Our Life – Ourselves

As women, we are air-conditioned, to look outside itself for answers, for connection. We are air-conditioned, to think of other at first. We are air-conditioned, to do alternatives which do not serve the our highest well, it is not honoured beauty to our to individual essence. We are air-conditioned, to make decisions from sense there not sufficiently, from a lie social faiths, supported for generations and from sense, that we can not have everything, what we wish truly.

We bring all of this to the relationships we choose in our lives. In the marriages that we say yes to and to the divorces we later face. To the marriages we say yes to and to the loneliness we later feel. To the long term relationships and marriages that serve to contain our brightest light instead of helping us shine brighter. To relationships that become more important than the most important one we have – the one we have with ourselves.

And it is time that we realize that to have the partnerships, the marriages we desire in life, we can’t start with the other, we must start with ourselves. The simple and often ignored fact is that a relationship should enhance our life, otherwise, we are better off without it. Enhancing does not mean better financial means, more security, reduction of past pain or more or less of anything else – that is our job and our job alone. A relationship that enhances our lives enables us to be an even better person because of the support, love, compassion and understanding it brings. It is full of absolute admiration of our soul and our partner’s gratitude that they can share in our soul’s journey.

If we truly want a relationship that supports our growth, honors our essence and breeds unconditional love then we have to create the space for it in our lives. We must believe it’s possible, we must take responsibility for healing ourselves and we must be willing to be truthful with ourselves.

Unfortunately, many women do not end up in a relationship that honors her soul – not because it’s not possible, but because we settle for less or because we don’t ask the right questions of ourselves or our partners – or if we ask the right questions, we don’t answer truthfully. We must understand that if our partner can’t see our soul, then they will never enhance our lives to the levels that we deserve.

Settling is a word that we should all remove from our vocabulary. Somewhere the words settling, compromise and collaboration got mixed up. A relationship always takes collaboration – two people working together to solution where both are satisfied. However, a relationship should not involve settling for less than we want in a partnership or in our life overall. A relationship should not require compromise of our happiness for anything or anyone. It should not require being less than who we are or giving up things we desire. Somewhere women got the notion that sacrifice was required, that relationships must have sacrifice. The truth is that contrary to popular mindset, they don’t and they shouldn’t. There is no glory in sacrifice, no matter what the martyrs say.

Truth is a word we should all bring into our lives – everyday. Truth is hard and being the creative souls we are, we are well equipped to avoid it. However, the only way to the joy we seek is through truth. We have to be willing to face deep, authentic and real truth. Not what we think is right. Not what others tell us is right. But our own truth. Truth that leads to true joy, even if it stings to get there. To find truth, we must strip away fallacies we build to shelter us from things we don’t want to look at or that we create to give ourselves a sense of security. If we are willing to be 100% truthful, what we desire is possible.

There are many myths to dispel and many questions to ask to find the truth in ourselves and in our relationships to create a partnership that honors our essence. For now, I would like to invite you on a short journey into two questions that can get us to the heart of the matter very quickly. All that is required of you is a willingness to set aside your perceptions and beliefs for a few minutes and a commitment to complete truth (remember only you can hear you). With these two things in hand, we can take the journey into these questions – two questions that most of us will be quick to answer “yes” to but two questions that many, if truthful, would have to answer “no” to.

The questions are these:

Do I fully, without question, love myself and believe in the core of my soul that I deserve nothing but that same type of love back?

Am I committed above all else to my happiness, at all times?

These two questions are the anchor to everything. If you don’t believe that you deserve love or if you aren’t 100% committed to your own happiness, you will settle, you will bend, you will create illusion so that you don’t have to be alone. And you will do so without even knowing it. It is those of us who are not willing to answer with absolute honesty that create the biggest illusions in our lives.

It is easy to ask these questions and simply say “yes”, almost in reflex. Who wouldn’t want to say yes – you’d have to be crazy, right? Wrong. You see, the answer is not the point of the questions. The point is to give yourself permission and time to sit in the question and feel, see and hear the answers inside you. Inside the places you normally don’t let yourself look. The places where absolute truth lives. The power of question is in the question itself, not the ability to answer it. So, if you answered “yes” to these questions in less than 10 seconds, your real answer is probably “no”. Real answers don’t come that quickly.

So let’s take a closer look at this idea of loving yourself completely. There are many people that would say they love themselves completely but then act in conflict to that, especially in what they tolerate and create in their relationships. Why? Not being truthful.

I can speak from experience here. In the past, I thought I loved myself. I had a high self-opinion and I rather liked myself. I was successful in my job and had many friends, so of course, I thought I completely loved myself. That was until I ended a 15-year relationship, which was made up of all kinds of things that indicated in fact, I really didn’t understand what loving myself was. I settled, put up with, looked the other way, made excuses. I put up with things then that I never would today. Not because I am stubborn now or because I think that I am better than anyone else, but simply because I finally made the journey into myself, into truth to discover what true self love was and to come to own that I had not really been living from that place.

When I went inside, I learned what it means to love oneself, to honor oneself in the highest regard. I learned to be my own best friend. Once you hold yourself in that place, you demand nothing less. I expect the same level of love and respect I have for myself from the person I call significant other, partner, spouse, etc. If that person cannot exist on, give on, or be on that level, then I choose to be alone rather than with someone that can’t give the level of love and respect I deserve. There is no settling. Half is not enough. Half time is not enough. I love myself everyday and I expect the same from those I am in relationship with.

The second question deals with happiness and our absolute commitment to our own. The two questions go hand in hand for how can we find happiness if we don’t love ourselves and vice versa. Can’t. Period.

When going into the question “Am I committed above all else to my happiness, at all times?”, the important thing to focus on is ‘at all times’. Let me explain. If you answer this question with a “yes”, congratulations! I don’t know anyone that would first off answer the question with a “no”. The real test - and this is where digging deep into our souls comes in - is being 100% committed. Every day, every minute, in every situation, are you committed to your happiness? Sadly, for many, upon examining decisions in life, upon examining relationships in life, most people couldn’t answer “yes” because most haven’t made the conscious commitment to own their happiness 100% of the time.

The good news is that this is a very practical question, one that you can use every day to measure the decisions you make. If you are 100% committed to your happiness you will always choose that which reinforces love and respect for yourself and in turn others. Because happiness here is not about material satisfaction or short-term gratification, happiness here is about true, sustainable, authentic joy. Don’t be confused.

An example. You are in a relationship and your partner has done something that you dislike more than once, you get mad, you fight, you make up and then all is well until it happens again… and again… and again. You ask yourself “Do I love myself completely?” Your answer “yes”. You have done your work and you really do love yourself.

Now, let’s use the practical question “Am I committed to my happiness 100%” and apply it to the situation at hand. Does the situation make you happy? “No”. Do you keep putting up with it? “Yes”. May it give you short-term gratification? “Yes”. Does it bring you true joy? “No”. Does that seem congruent with someone that says she loves herself? “No”. The happiness question doesn’t let you hide. You have to face the truth of unhappiness and then decide what to do about it. If you ignore it and settle, you are not 100% committed to your happiness. If you do something to change the situation, whatever that looks like (setting a boundary, saying what you need, ending the relationship, taking a break, etc.), you can ensure that you are acting to support your commitment to happiness.

And to be clear, let me dispel any thoughts that being committed to your happiness 100% is selfish. That is a load of bull. And it’s what has gotten women into trouble for centuries - always giving, giving, compromising, compromising – putting others first. The notion that we must put others first is a big line of guilt and a setup for failure. I am not saying that we shouldn’t give to others – giving to others is a critical part of having a fulfilling and happy life. And I strongly believe that if you want to give to others you have to give to yourself first. You must make sure you are whole and full first so that you have something to give to others. There is no guilt in that.

Happiness and love are two things that we crave most in this world. And they are two things that we force out of our lives all of the time, everyday. It is part of the irony of the human existence. However, I do believe that simply by being aware that love and happiness is a choice we can make in our lives, we take the first step in creating it into our reality. You deserve happiness and love – don’t ever let any one, even yourself, tell you differently. Honor the essence of you. Namaste.